Women - How To Get Your Emotional Needs Met In Your Relationship

Suffering isn't ennobling, recovery is.  - Christiaan Barnard

The Bottom Line

Ladies here's the deal: most of the time, we men are just dense when it comes to discerning what emotional support you need from us.

So, the very best way for you to get what you need from your man is to ask him for it.

Yes, asking for what you want may seem too simple and obvious, but it is the truth regardless.

Why

Why is it necessary to sit your guy down and ask specifically for what you need out of the relationship?  Well, the most important reason is, men are not mind readers.

Despite this truth, our culture continues to perpetuate the myth that once a man and woman fall in love, they are automatically "attuned" to each other in every way.

In fact, this myth has been the basis of romantic fiction and movies for generations.

However,  we all know life is not like fairy tales and the movies. Still, the unspoken expectation persists that men must instinctively know exactly what their partners' needs are.

The Necessity

When you don't ask for what you want out of your relationship, feelings of frustration and anger can grow.

However, many women may feel if they come right out and ask for what they need, they will be perceived as being co-dependent or too "needy."

To allay these fears, it's important to remember how you ask for what you want is key. 

If you confront your partner with accusation and blame, he will immediately get defensive. More than likely he will emotionally shut down, leaving you both feeling more frustrated - not good.

On the other hand, if you frame your request in terms of how you are feeling, he will be much more receptive.

Also, choose a time to have your discussion when both of you are relaxed and at ease.

Furthermore, please bear in mind, most men are decent and want to please their partners.  By being specific, yet gentle, in letting him know what you need, he will most likely jump at the chance to comply!

Finally

Don't just suffer in silence if you are feeling unfulfilled in your relationship.

Often the easiest way to get what you need is by asking for it.

But you will never know until you do!

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Comments

[Melissa]

Thanks for this post, Terez. This is one of the biggest lessons I've needed to learn in life and in my relationship. For a long time, I assumed my husband could read my mind, knew what I wanted and was just ignoring it/refusing to give it to me. When we started talking more openly, I realized half the time he didn't have the faintest idea what I was thinking (not being a mind reader and all). And I was pleasantly surprised how receptive he was when I started expressing my needs to him. I think as women we're brought up to think there is something gender-appropriate about subjugating our needs-- there are so many pervasive images out there of women who sacrifice and martyr themselves. It can feel very uncomfortable and "wrong" to ask for what you want. But expressing my needs has been one of the biggest improvements in my life and well-being. I hope other women follow your advice!

[Terez]

Melissa, unfortunately, you are right in that women tend to be socialized to believe asking for what they want somehow compromises their femininity.

However, the GREAT news is, like yourself, many woman are liberating themselves from this self-limiting belief to enjoy more fulfillment in their marriages and relationships as a result.

Thanks for commenting and sharing your personal insights!

[Renee]

Terez,

Thank you for your message. It has only reenforced my own thoughts about technology and the relationship. In my own relationship, my S/O and myself have fallen to the computer as our God. "Spending time together" has boiled down to the amount of time spent together while we each do our own thing on our laptops. I am a teacher and do use it for work quite a bit, but I should not use that as a excuse for my own inability to connect with my fiance. He and I have become so comfortable with this path, that when we dissuade from it it, we argue and hurt one another with our words and actions. I now feel, I need help getting back on the right path. I know I need to talk to him about this.

Thank you.

[Terez]

Renee, thanks for taking your precious time to share your story with us. What you and your significant other are going through is similar to what many of us are experiencing. Our technology (smartphones, tablet computers, laptops, etc) can easily become a MAJOR time drain. We must remember our relationships need time too, or they will begin to whither as a result. Try this with your partner: make a mutual commitment that before bed, you two spend at least 20 minutes re-connecting. Shut off the tv, all smartphones, etc. during that time. Just this one step can make a huge difference. I wish you all the best, and hope you continue reading!