Who Are The Married Walking Dead?

When you make a vow to be with another person for as long as you both shall live, you are vowing to be alive in your marriage. To do otherwise is to squander God's most precious gifts - life and time.

- Dr. Robin L. Smith

A different kind of death

Every day, two people stand in the sacredness of their love and pledge to be together 'til death do us part. 

If you are like the majority of us, you tend to only consider the literal meaning of this vow - physical death which severs the bonds of matrimony between bride and groom.

But the shocking reality is, many couples remain married long after death. However, the death they have experienced is a spiritual rather than a physical one.

These couples are the married, walking dead.

This spiritual death occurs when a person chooses to remain in an unhappy, loveless (and often) abusive marriage.

Ironically, these individuals believe they are honoring their vow to be with their spouse for as long as they both shall live, but their spirit and soul have already perished.

Unfortunately, I've observed far too many people who are becoming members of the walking dead because their relationships are killing the very essence of who they are.

The signs

If you look and listen closely enough, you may notice some of the signs:

• an ever-ready smile which is not reflected in the eyes
• a hint of regret and disdain heard in the voice when speaking of their spouse
• resentment expressed toward a spouse who does not support their hopes or dreams
• a sense of dread felt when they are in the presence of their spouse

Of course, the question has been often raised as to why people choose to remain in  miserable marriages. But maybe a better question should be, why do people decide to enter into unhealthy relationships to begin with? 

For example, why does a man select a woman who emasculates and belittles him at every opportunity? Why would a woman not pack her bags the very first time she is mentally, verbally or physically abused? 

My personal feeling is somewhere along the way, the person's self-esteem has taken a substantial hit.  This may help to explain why anyone would choose a lifetime of suffering in a loveless marriage.

The violated marriage contract

When a person checks out of his relationship by being emotionally absent or abusive, he has already violated the marriage contract. 

Remaining in such a union may result in you losing yourself, which is a form of spiritual death.

Let me take a moment to explain that I am not anti-marriage. My opposition is to needless suffering. The hard fact is, some marriages are damaged beyond repair.

If you are in such a situation, ask yourself this vital question - at the end, do you want your headstone to read: Here lies Jill. Though completely miserable, she sure hung in there with Jack!"

In conclusion

Remaining with a partner who has emotionally "checked out" of your marriage  is a tragedy.

If your relationship is killing your spirit, you need to decide if you are going to choose self-love and preservation over a lifetime of misery.

My deepest hope is that you will choose the former.  Anything less would be a tragic waste.

What are some definitive signs a marriage has deteriorated beyond repair? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

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Comments

[Tina T]

This is a great topic. With the divorce rate so high, I think that we often focus on the couples that check out of marriage too easily--as soon as the going gets tough. These couples are the polar opposite, but it doesn't make sense to stay in a marriage that is truly dead. I like the signs that you list, because it is important to distinguish between when a marriage is dead for good, or when you have just hit a big bump in the road.

[Terez]

Tina, I completely agree that it's important to distinguish between marriages experiencing the inevitable rough patch, and those which are irretrievably damaged.

My feeling is, a relationship stands a greater chance of weathering life's storms if the participants built their love on a solid foundation of emotional availability, trust, honesty, and respect.

An entirely different matter altogether are relationships which had a faulty foundation to begin with - one riddled with distrust, disrespect, lies, fear and abuse. These relationships were toxic from the very start and will infect the very souls of the participants if not put to rest.