Is Love A Battlefield?

But I'm trapped by your love and chained to your side. We are young, heartache to heartache we stand, no promises no demands, love is a battlefield - from "Love Is A Battlefield," performed by Pat Benatar

One of the biggest rock anthems in the early 80s was the song "Love is a battlefield," sung with beautiful ferocity by rock star Pat Benatar.

Literally overnight, it became a modern ode to the complexities of romantic love.

After recently listening to this classic in the car one afternoon, a thought occurred to me - why is it that love is often compared to being in battle or conflict? The concepts are polar opposites!

For example, most of us, myself included, are guilty of using expressions such as "you have to pick your battles" to describe how to handle disagreements in relationships. The phrase "all is fair in love and war!" is commonly heard as well.

Do the terms "battlefield" and "war" invoke feelings of security and trust? 

No, quite the contrary they serve as cues that you must be on your guard with defenses at the ready.

In fact, there are couples who view their relationships as war zones where each partner is vying for control.

Of course, whenever couples engage in these types of power struggles, intimacy and passion become the victims.

Frankly, I reject the notion that our relationships are a series of brutal struggles we must endure. Loving relationships are ones in which both partners feel completely safe with each other.

Absent from mature love is the need to seek dominance or control. Present are passion, trust, honesty and  respect.

If you feel you are at constant war in your relationship, please stop and seriously consider why.

Yes, life may be full of many battles, but love should not be one of them.

Do you agree or disagree? Do you feel  love must be a constant struggle? If so, why?  Please share your feelings about this issue by commenting below.

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Comments

[Charles Evans]

'Life may be full of many battles, but love should not be one of them'. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. Being in love with somebody who loves you is the culmination of our lives, a feeling which can never be bettered. When I write about the battle on my website www.the-battle-of-the-sexes.com, that is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, not the reality. I believe that most of the 'battles' in relationships come from a lack of communication, and not understanding how the opposite sex, 'The Enemy' in the battlefield analogy, actually thinks. Women say that men don't listen, because they don't understand HOW men listen, and don't realise that men are problem solvers. Men listen to the best of their ability, but don't realise that women don't usually want men to solve their problems, but simply to empathise with them. Talking for the female is about creating intimacy and strengthening relationships, and once men realise that and stop jumping in with solutions the 'battle' gives way to a loving truce. I have been frequently asked by friends to help them in their relationships. I don't try to do that myself, but I always recommend John Gray's 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. I have seen dramatic transformations in relationships when the two partners finally realised how and why men and women are different.

[Terez]

Charles, thanks so much for sharing your insights with us. I agree that though it may sound trite, lack of effective communication is the root issue of many problems in relationships.

Men and women communicate differently because we ARE different. Yet, taking the time to understand and appreciate those differences is the most effective way to bridge the gap between the sexes.

You mention John Gray's bestseller as a resource for couples to use to communicate more effectively. Another great resource is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. His book further explores the differences in how people express and demonstrate love. I highly recommended it.