Are You "Ms. Runner-Up" In Your Relationship?

You are the other woman. The girlfriend "on the side."

His mistress. 

You always go to your place. Secret rendezvous at out-of-the-way hotels have become a regular part of your life.

The fact is, many women find themselves involved in an affair with a married man. 

Sadly, as in the case with long-term affairs,  they develop feelings for their lover, and allow their emotional needs to become secondary in importance. 

In other words, they accept the role of Ms. Runner-Up in their relationship.

You know what? If you are involved in a similar situation, you deserve better - and deep inside I think you realize it too.

The Seduction

My personal feeling is, most women do not set out to get involved with a married man.  Most would agree that dating a married guy is taboo, but that is also what can make it so alluring.

You are doing something "bad," forbidden, and even dangerous - which can also be very exciting as well.

So against your better judgement, you enter into an affair.  At that point, the slope becomes extremely slippery indeed.

The Deception

Affairs almost always involve deception. 

Often, the wife is deceived into believing her husband is faithful, and her marriage has not been compromised. 

The other woman (a.k.a. Ms. Runner-Up) is deceived into thinking that someday, her lover will honor her emotional needs by ending his marriage and becoming fully committed to her.

As with all deceptions, lies are the infrastructure that supports them.   See if any of these sound familiar:

• "He has been unhappy in his marriage for years. They both live separate lives now."
• "He loves me, really. He just needs to find the right time to tell his wife it's over."
• "He is waiting until his finances are in order so that he can divorce her and move on."
• "He wants to wait until the children are emotionally ready to deal with a divorce."
• "He wants to achieve a certain level of success in his career/business so that our future will be secured."

Notice how all of these statements have one thing in common? It's all about what he wants.

Okay, now for the hard truth direct from a man.

The bottom line is, if he wanted to be fully committed to you, he would be.

Period.

Anything less than his full commitment to you means he is not nearly as invested in the relationship as you are. 

The Cost

To be clear, the main reason I 'm writing this post is because I'm tired of seeing wonderful women waste two of the most precious assets they have dating a married guy - their time and self-respect.  

A good friend of  mine, Tina (not her real name), explained to me why she recently ended a five year affair with a married man.

"When I first became involved with him, he told me he loved me. He said he was separated from his wife with plans to divorce. At the time I was 35.  I woke up one morning at 40 with him still married, and I in exactly the same place in the relationship as when we first met. I realized five years was all  the price I was going to pay for staying with this man - and that cost was too high."

Like Tina, my hope is you will truly realize you deserve to be with someone who is ready to completely commit to you here and now - not in far off "one day, some day" land.  

I believe you should never settle for anything less.

I hope you do too.

Of course, breaking up with a man is never easy, especially when he has been such a big part of your life. However, it is possible to get through the pain and move on.

Author Sarah Horth has an extraordinary book written specifically for women who are coping with the prospect and aftermath of a breakup.

The Smart Woman's Breakup Book  is an extraordinary guide filled with effective strategies on how to cope with the end of a relationship. Not only that, but Sarah has also included true accounts of how other women have successfully coped with breakups to move on with their lives.  

I highly recommend Sarah's work.

What other rationales for engaging in affairs with married men did I miss?  Please share your thoughts by commenting below.

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Comments

[Tina T]

I love this Ms. Runner Up title, because it really says it like it is. Aside from how morally wrong all this is, no woman should set herself up to always be second in a man's life. I had a friend in college who spent 6 years after college with a married man who finally broke it off with her and told her that his relationship with her made him realize just how important his wife was to him--ugh. She was 28 at this point, and while that's not old, she was then working in a women dominated field where she had a heck of a lot of trouble meeting men. One of the worst things about women wasting their time with these men is that they also very often squander their youth on the men, and youth sure is something that you can't get back.

[Terez]

Tina, you are so on point about young women wasting their youth on dead-end relationships. That fact was one of the main reasons this post was written. Our time on this earth is far too short and precious. You are also correct in that once it's gone, it's gone.